i.am.no.one

A FUNtabulous 3 day weekend means back to work tomorrow and busier then ever!

Wishing I could grab my son and crawl back Into bed with him

Back to work tomorrow. I’m ready. Life is just life. Gotta take it in strides.

There are days when it’s all a little foggy, and then there are days like today when I remember every detail. Smile down on me.

From me

When I was younger, I never thought I would live to see 18. I thought that I was just a fuck up and a nobody. When 18 came and went, it was a surprise but even then, I never thought I would be a mom. That I could own a house. That I would ever be married.
Today my son gave me a well deserved lecture because I surprised him and picked him up from school early and lied about him having an appt. He told me he doesn’t like lying and he doesn’t like that I pick him up early. He told me that it makes him nervous when I come because he thinks it’s an emergency. He said I should only get him for emergencies and appts and for appts I should tell him ahead of time so he doesn’t get scared that something is wrong. I look at this beautiful and amazing boy, and I can’t believe he came from me. I hope I always make him proud and give him the best life . I hope to always make sure he has many options in life. I hope he always keeps his morals and continues his faith in god. I am so lucky to have the life I do.

Best

She wasn’t the worlds best mom, but she was my mom and she did as best as she could. I wasn’t the best daughter either, and I didn’t even give her the best I could have been. I know I have made my peace and I know our relationship was good in the end, but it shouldn’t have had to be that way . I should have let her in. Now that I am a parent, I understand. I understand that even though she was our mom and my dads wife, she was also just Priscilla. She had her own wants and needs and life and things that she had the right to want for her own. I understand that she made certain choices in her life because she had her reasons. I understand that even though there were times I thought she didn’t love me, she always did. I used to thank it was fake when she called me her baby and wanted to be affectionate. I never wanted to let her in. I know I can’t take it all back and I have accepted that, and believe me this is no pity party. It’s just me remembering that all great relationships take two. That people need to be individuals as well as spouses and parents and children. She knew more than any of us, her children knew. She asked me before she passed… To look out for my brothers because they will need me. She knew One brothers marriage would not last and my other brothers relationship would fail as well. And she knew, even before we were even dating, that Pete and I would give her her first grand baby and that we would be married one day. I miss her like crazy. I even miss fighting with her. And even though I get sad often that she is not here, what absolutely kills me is, she will never meet, or hold, or smell the sweet smell of her grand babies. I would give almost anything in my world, for her to be able to just hug my son, and feel his warm skin, and smell his heavenly smell and just soak him all in her love. That would be the best.

Work

After a long 6 months off of work, I’m ready to go back. Im not ready to leave my son and the routine we have settled into, but I have to go back.
It’s so hard being a parent. Everyone tells you about sleepless nights and crying. What people who aren’t parents should really know, is all of that, is the easy stuff. It’s as they get older that your heart breaks. You shed tears when your mad at them, you shed tears when they make you sad, and you shed tears when you are so happy and they have made you proud.
I will miss our morning routine before I take him to school. I will miss how he turns back to look at me and waves goodbye as he walks into line. I will miss how he lights up when he has seen my car from across the school, and how he apologizes if I have to wait. He’s so sweet that way.
The last 6 months has been so special because I was never able to drop him off or pick him up because of work. I think he and I both really needed these last 6 months.
He grows so fast, and every second I’m away I worry I will miss him saying something funny or miss his laughter.
But time to go back to work. See my coworkers who have become like family. It’s been a long time since I have had a full check eventho disability has treated me kindly.
My Anthony Joseph, I hope you feel my love from work and know that if mommy could, she would take you to school and pick you up forever.